Families that fester, feud and fight are families that fail.
It had been quiet on the Brown family front when the mum and dad were in their 80s. Sure they were moving more deliberately, but they were happy living together and looking out for each other. Their children were their daily life insurers, very attentive and supportive. Later life was good.
Then their 90s arrived. It all seemed to happen in a dramatic flourish of events. First, mum had an 'F' word event — a fall. It was her first. She was in hospital. Dad was left at home not coping, either physically or emotionally.
The dreaded separated by circumstance had arrived.
In desperation to be with her, dad took an overdose of prescription medication. The plan worked. He ended up in hospital with her, not as a visitor, but as a patient. Their prognoses indicated they could be back at home within a week. However, significant concern was expressed by the hospital about their ability to continue to live independently at home.
Here is the first flint of fester.
Mum and dad are more than happy to go home together and have little insight into the risk that poses for them. If they do understand, they are prepared to take a risk.
The three adult children suddenly divide into opposing camps:
- one opinion is they should go back home, as it's their right to be empowered to make that decision themselves;
- another one says it can be done if we all pitch in and help - make meals for them and roster the children to do other things like cleaning, washing and even staying overnight with them as well as apply for home care if they can be patient and qualify; and
- the third says there is nothing but risk just getting up in the morning.
Notwithstanding the children's views, mum and dad are still quite capable of making their own decisions and move back home — that's their decision and no one else's.
As predicted, drama ensues involving several ambulance visits and trips to hospital. The writing is on the wall but no one seems to see it, or able to do anything about it.
On the last visit to hospital, the staff advised that mum cannot go home. Legally, it is not for the hospital to say what mum can do, or not do. It is up to her if she has the capacity to do so. She tells her children she's happy to go into residential care if only to take the load off dad at home. There is a rider — only if dad comes too.
The children are still divided despite the views of mum. While they should be working to make arrangements and to understand the byzantine world of residential aged care (which they should have done months ago), they continue to bicker amongst themselves, try influence mum when each is alone with her, and undermine each other in front of her. Meanwhile dad, tired of the arguments simply grunts, "whatever", when he is reluctantly brought into the discussion.
How does the story end? Well:
- mum is not with dad for reasons that are even more complicated and that has distressed them very badly;
- the children think each other is self-serving and self-righteous with a hidden agenda;
- the aged care facility becomes like a peace negotiator and family facilitator –to ensure that arrangements are scrupulously followed so that none of the children are at the facility to see their mum at the same time and are limited to no more than one hour each.
Like all stories, this one has a moral. Most, if not all, children share a common concern for the welfare of their parents, particularly in their later lives. Our parents are also relying on us to do the right thing. But when it comes to acting to address those concerns, that common ground slips away and we allow sibling rivalry to expose our parents to the last thing they want – feuding children. It will exhaust them and, without a doubt, harm their health.
A lot of family tension is built up from a lack of knowledge about what can be done to address and alleviate concerns children have for ageing parents. As lawyers experienced in this area, we are not only adept at resolving family disputes but, even better in empowering families, beforehand, with information and education about options and solutions. A sit down with us, or by zoom, is the first step towards that solution.